Lucio Joins The Nutella Fan Club
by Kream45
Summary: This is a tragic story about an African-American guy who joins Nutella fan club, but doesn't understand the seriousness of what it means to be the real OG Nutella lover.


**/This story is not like my other shitposts, I actually "tried" to make it a little more complex and not just out-of-nowhere surprise sex and shitting jokes. Emphasis on the word "tried". I just had that one silly scene that I came up after eating some chocolate that I had to write this thing. To all the long-term readers who expect the best (shittiest) of me, do not worry, I have some cool shit coming up soon. Also, I think this one is some next level shit, so maybe you want to check this out too anyway./**

 **/tl;dr: I like it up the ass./**

Lucio entered the official Nutella Fan Club building.

"Hello there!" some by the door said, "My name is Monica, who are you?"

"Hi there, name's Lucio and I wanted to join your club."

"That's cool! This isn't my club in particular, we all here share the same love for Nutella, but also for other chocolate products."

"What about other sweets?"

"We also like vanilla, and like, creams and some other shit. But chocolate is our true love."

"Cool, can you like, show me the fan club and shit?"

"Oh, of course. Let's go this way."

They entered a small room, full of Nutella jars on shelves, various Ferrero pralines and other delicious sweets.

"Hi Rob!" Monica said to some guy by the window

"Oh, hello Monica!" Rob turned around and smiled, "Who is this young gentleman?"

"Sup m8, I'm Lucio, and I'm curious to know what is your favourite type of sweet."

"That would be Nutella, of course. But I'm also fond of vanilla puddings and cream."

"What about fruits? They're good too."

Then Rob grabbed his chest in pain.

"Please do not ever say that." Rob said, his eyes twitching, "Nutella is the best, fruits suck dick."

"But you can't deny that sweets can't replace fruits. They're a bit sour, you don't have that in your Nutella and other stuff. Also, what about fruit juices and sorbets?"

As Rob was listening to Lucio, he got more and more sad. Monica noticed he was crying.

"Rob! I'm sure Lucio didn't mean anything bad!" Monica said and looked angrily at Lucio, who didn't know what he did wrong.

"You… y-you…" Rob mumbled, sobbing, "You can't possibly be serious, right? Tell me you're joking. Nutella rules, fruits are gay!"

Lucio knew he fucked up and needed to fix the mess.

"Yo man, I never meant to hurtcha! I was just saying that… some people may need to eat fruits from time to time! Wait! Let me finish. What I'm trying to say is that they're different from sweets! You can't possibly think that there is no place for fruits in this world? Can you?"

Rob was looking at the jar of Nutella on the shelf with passion, covering his mouth with his hand, but he lightly shook his head.

"See? There is no point in hating fruits! They can coexist with sweets, nobody is saying they're better than them tho. I'm a Nutella lover myself, and you know that my nigga. You know that. For life, dawg."

Rob nodded gently.

"It's fine." He said in a shaky voice, "But… I want to be alone for a while."

Monica and Lucio left the room, and as Lucio noticed on his way out, Rob grabbed a jar of Nutella and hugged it, crying.

"You've done a good job fixing that, but you should try not to cause any problems like this anymore, Lucio." Monica started, "Everyone here is ready to fight in the name of Nutella at any time, at all cost. We would die for Nutella."

"I get it." Lucio said.

"No, you don't." Monica stopped and looked him in the eyes, "We're actually ready to fight, kill and die in the glory of Nutella, the king of chocolate creams and the emperor of all sweets. And Rob owes his life to Nutella, goddammit. If not for Nutella, he would have killed himself a long time ago."

"I get it, really, jeez." Lucio replied, not losing the eye contact, "I'm all for that Nutella love, it's just… I think it's beyond me…"

Monica grabbed his hands.

"Lucio, everybody can serve and love Nutella, if they just see the truth. The truth's radiant light."

"What?"

"Can't you see? When I see the world, the politics, the future, the satellites and space… it's all connected with one thing. One thing that is beyond everybody not familiar with it, and yet so easy to access, understand and… communicate with. That thing, is Nutella. *Inception music* It listens to all the prayers of all people in the world. When you pray to your false god, your prayers are transferred into Nutella instead. All the individual jars of that delicious cream are actually imprints of those prayers, mementos. It's delicious because it's the definition of love. It's creamy because it's the definition of cream. It's brown because it's made of human feces. But it grants you power. Might. Goal. The meaning of life. You just need to understand, and spend some time with it. Spend an hour meditating by it. What's an hour? Yes, you can watch some television, you can play some fast paced video games, or computer games… but it's just an hour. And when you finally understand, and become one with Nutella, you will transcend into heavens. That's what we, the Nutella Fan Club, strive to achieve."

"Oookayyy, this starts to look more like some freaky sect than a fan club." Lucio replied.

"One day Lucio, you will understand. This is your first day here, so it might sound weird to you. But you'll become more and more enlightened the longer you stay here. Now if you excuse me, I have some matters to attend, you can go and look around some more."

Monica left Lucio, and he went to some other room.

It turned out to be the ass room. He knocked the door and called:

"Hello, I'm Lucio, and…"

"HEY GUYS THERE'S SOME GUY BY THE DOOR!" some guy screamed.

"WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?!" some girl shouted by the end of the room.

"HE'S **BLACK**!"

"HOLY SHIT! LET HIM IN!"

And then the door opened, and Lucio was dragged inside by two guys and three girls.

"Wait! What the fuck is go-…" Lucio said, but was immediately interrupted by something going into his ass.

"NUTELLA UP THE ASS, HERE IT GOES!" a girl shouted and fiercely inserted a hand-full of Nutella into Lucio's anus.

"DAFUQ?!" he screamed.

"GUYS IT'S NOT ENOUGH, BRING THE NUTELLATOR 5000!" someone called.

"BRING THE WHAT?!" Lucio screamed like a little bitch, and then he looked at the big fucking robot coming his way.

"ENABLE THE ASS-NUTELLA-INSERTION PROTOCOL!" A guy shouted.

"AYE AYE, SIR!" A girl controlling the Nutellator 500 replied, "GRAB THE TARGET AND ASS UP!"

Lucio was grabbed by the psychos and the robot started inserting large portions of Nutella cream into his ass. Then, when it was full, the girls started licking his ass, and the guys were buttfucking each other in the corner, because why not m I rite?

Then Lucio farted mightily, shooting the Nutella out of his ass, killing the girls and destroying the walls behind him. The whole fan club collapsed, killing everybody inside. Except Lucio, because he was black and could evade the danger as if he was chased by the police. No I'm not racist you dumb fucks, I'm just saying that if police was chasing Lucio, he would escape them easily, because he's black. And I'm sure of it, because how else would he be the fastest character in Overwatch? Exactly. So don't try to deny it.

 **WELL THAT'S THE END OF THIS BULLSHIT**

Wait, didn't I say at the beginning that I tried to make it a bit more serious? Well shit. I guess I can't hold back from writing stupid-ass stuff.

Also, if any females are reading this, you have my congratulations.


End file.
